


Save Me

by jimmoriartyisthebestboss



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Artist Bucky Barnes, Cussing, M/M, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Post-Captain America: The First Avenger, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Pre-Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), Profanity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-09
Updated: 2018-11-09
Packaged: 2019-08-21 03:39:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,827
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16568942
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jimmoriartyisthebestboss/pseuds/jimmoriartyisthebestboss
Summary: Bucky Barnes has his demons that haunt him. One night, when he leaves bed, Steve Rogers follows him to try to help.





	Save Me

**Author's Note:**

> Hello all!
> 
> As always the title is taken from a song and that is Save Me by BTS. I thought the title alone gave a hint to the undertone of this particular story.
> 
> This is one of my longer pieces and it does deal with PTSD and Bucky's past. I find both Bucky and Steve's PTSD intriguing to explore and seeing how it shapes them. I also love showing them supporting each other. This is my long way of saying I love to write stories where characters are not beaten down by their mental illness but rather are made stronger by it and have a strong support system around them. I think it's important to have that strong support system when you have a mental illness as it can make you stronger. It's also important to me, as someone who deals with her own mental illness, to show characters made stronger by the fact that they don't let their mental illness win or rule their lives.
> 
> I hope you guys enjoy this story!

Bucky Barnes never saw himself as a hero. In his years of protecting Steve and his time in the army never allowed him to see himself beyond that boy who joined a war to do his duty. Even now, laying in this bed with his best friend and love sleeping next to him, he didn’t see himself as a hero. Steve always told him he was and how he looked up to Bucky in the hardest of times. He told him how Bucky was his rock during his illnesses, his asthma and even when he had become Captain America.

The thought always made Bucky chuckle. He wasn’t a solid rock stuck stubbornly into the floor of a river. He was a tumbling pebble, falling end over end and never knowing which way was up. Even now, when he was so sure of who he was, he still felt that way. His new metal arm glinted as he lifted it off the bed and turned it this way and that. There was no red star making him as “owned” by somebody else. Instead there was smooth metal that moved and acted like his real hand. It was a gift from T’Challa along with the work that they had done to un-brain wash him.

When the tube had opened and Steve had been standing there, a smile plastered on his face, Bucky felt his world shift. That smile was one that he had longed for and now it was here. The next second he ended up stumbling into Steve’s arms and found he wanted to stay there forever. Somewhere that he was safe and felt at home. As with most nights, Bucky had woken in the middle of the night to his dreams and flash backs.

Steve had his own demons to contend with and Bucky worked to help him fight them. But Bucky’s battles felt like his own and, as he slipped from the room and down the hall, the floor to ceiling windows showing the stars, he thought about those demons that now haunted his dream.

The living room was dark and just as they left it. The TV was turned off, the remote flung onto the couch and Steve’s book was sitting on the edge of the coffee table. The sketch book Bucky had been working on laid abandoned on the table as well and he picked it up as he sat down. The pictures would seem mundane to others. Steve sitting on the couch reading, his legs propped on another person’s. Another showed Steve’s face as he smiled, the eyes crinkling near the edges as he looked at the artist. Steve in the kitchen making dinner, Steve talking to Wanda in the kitchen, Steve on the bridge.

The last image stopped Bucky in his flipping. He studied the picture intently as if remembering every line and detail within it. The look of utter confusion on Steve’s face and the shock in his eyes. He tossed the sketchbook on the table and sat back. Fingers run through long hair and Bucky turns his head to look out the window. The tree tops were dark and it was hard to tell where they stopped and the sky started. If not for the stars he would think that they were all one being, floating in the sky. Sometimes Bucky wished he was floating in the sky and would float away.

The image teased at him again from the table and he flipped it close with a quiet thud. “Buck?” That voice, tired and confused, was one Bucky loved. From their time living together after his parent’s death to now, Bucky could recognize Steve’s voice in a room filled with a million-other people.

He turned and looked at Steve’s whose hair was rumpled, his clothes showing many creases from his turning over in bed. “Did I wake you?” Bucky asked, a smile forming on his lips. He loved Steve like this, not quite awake and looking almost angelic.

Steve grunted as he sat down next to Bucky and picked up the notebook. He turned to the page Bucky had been staring at, the edges of it folded due to Bucky’s forceful closing. “What’s this?” His own face smiled up at him as he turned to Bucky.

“Just a memory I had. From,” he hesitated before speaking again, “from the bridge.”

Steve looked at the picture again before sticking it back on the coffee table. An arm automatically went over the back of the sofa and tugged on Bucky’s shoulder. He gave in and slipped into Steve’s side and nudged his head against Steve’s chin. “Talk to me. Please.” The pain in Steve’s voice made a lump form in Bucky’s throat.

“There’s nothing- “

“Stop lying. We all have our demons Bucky. You don’t need to deal with them alone.” It was the first time Steve had sounded angry and Bucky closed his eyes. He breathed in through his nose and let it out slowly.

The memories came back unbidden and he took another breath before speaking. “It started on the bridge. I saw you and you called out to me. All I could think was ‘who was that man?’ They didn’t like it when I asked. So, they brain washed me again, doing what they thought would get them the results they wanted. They didn’t want Bucky Barnes, they wanted The Winter Soldier.”

Steve’s arm tightened on Bucky’s arm but he stayed silent. “Then you showed up on the helipad. And all I could think was I need to stop this man. Another voice kept speaking though, shouting. ‘You know him. You know him. Why are you hurting him? Stop. Stop!’ It kept screaming and screaming and you kept speaking. My mind didn’t know what to do. One side told me to punch, to fight, to tell you to shut up. The other was screaming to believe you. Then you said ‘Finish it. Cause I’m with you till the end of the line.’’

“I stared at your face, bloody and beaten and I saw him. That kid from Brooklyn who wanted to prove himself in the war. Steve Rogers who became Captain America and all I could think was ‘I know him.’ Then you fell through the floor and was gone and before I knew it I jumped in after you and saved your ass. Again, by the way.”

At this, Steve chuckled and sighed. His chest rose and fell under Bucky’s head. A smile slipped onto his lips again as he slipped his hand across Steve’s chest to rest on the other side of his waist.

“I ran. As fast and as far as I could. After going to the exhibit and seeing who Steve Rogers was, who I was, I knew I couldn’t be near you. I’d kill you and damn it I remembered. I remembered that I loved you and hoped you would let go. I should have remembered that you’re a stubborn ass who doesn’t let anything go. You…. showed up in my apartment. Run down as it was, I couldn’t believe I was seeing you standing there. I lied and said I didn’t know you and of course you didn’t believe me because you’re Steve Rogers and way smarter than anyone gives you credit for.”

“Either that or you’re a shit liar,” Steve joked as he adjusted his body to fit Bucky more comfortably against his chest.

Bucky snorted as he shook his head. “Watch your language Rogers.”

“You’re not any better Barnes,” Steve retorted, and Bucky laughed.

“Anyways, you were there. We got caught and…he forced me back. That man. He forced me back into Winter Soldier mode and I fought. For the first time, I fought because I knew in my mind Steve was there. Steve is in the building, he looked at me, he knows me. I can’t hurt him or his friends. Then it all went blank and the next thing I knew I was with you. I was safe with you.”

“I knew I wasn’t worth it. All of the fighting against those you knew and had teamed up with. I wasn’t worth your effort and we were in that plane. All I could think about was the war, the way we never got these private missions together. I tried to tell you,” Bucky’s voice cracked as he spoke and he shakes his head again. Breathing became more difficult as he tried to bring in some semblance of air.

“I said I wasn’t worth it but damn it Steve Rogers, you’re a stubborn ass, you didn’t listen to me! You fought with me even when finding out that I did the worst damn thing I could do. I killed innocents and you still fought with me. You brought me here.” He waves his hands signaling the apartment. “You got me a new arm, you had me un-brain washed and for what? I’m a broken soul Steve. I don’t think I can be saved, I’ve done too much evil.”

Steve was silent in the dark. A part of Bucky wondered if he fell asleep. “Even when I had nothing, I had Bucky.” The words come out in a whisper but it could have been a scream for all Bucky heard. “I told Peggy that when I lost you. You’ve been with me through the best and the worst times of my life. You took me in and took care of me. Even now, you’re trying to protect me. Against you, against the evils you’ve seen but damn it Buck I can take it.”

Bucky sat up at this, his hair falling into his face in a mass. The hair was messed up from his laying on Steve’s chest and he stared down at him. In the darkness, he could make out Steve’s features and his eyes slowly registered every part of him. The way he laid wound up as if ready to chase Bucky to the ends of the world, the way he tried to stay casual while staring up at his best friend and love of so long. “I need you Steve,” The words came out croaked.

“I need you Buck,” Steve whispered the words then sat up quickly. He leaned down and pressed a kiss to Bucky’s lips, his hands slipping down to hold him at the waist. The world felt electric in that moment and Bucky smiled as he pulled back and put a hand on Steve’s chest. “You need sleep.”

Bucky laughed at this and reached forward to slip as hand on Steve’s cheek. “Let’s go back to sleep then. Together.”

They slipped back into their room and in the quiet darkness, they laid together. There is no miracle cure for their demons. All they could do was lie together in the darkness, with the stars outside winking at them and think about how lucky they were to have each other to fight those demons together.

**Author's Note:**

> I took the liberty of making Bucky into an artist in this. I do adore the idea that Steve is the artist but I love the idea of Bucky as an artist as well. In my mind, both of them are very good artist and will often share their works with only each other.
> 
> Thank you for reading!


End file.
